I have been dreaming about being a mother since the time I was four, when my baby brother Matt, was born. At this age, I started to fully understand what it really meant to care for someone and be enthralled with another human being. Matt was my angel and my best friend. He was the gift that my parents so generously gave to me. I can't believe that I have my very own gift on the way...
I can vividly recall writing, My Journey to Love, after Aaron and I got engaged. I was a teary-eyed mess; mascara running down my face as my emotions poured out onto my keyboard. I am sitting here doing the same, but this time, I get to blame tears on the hormones. ;) I am SO overwhelmed and overjoyed to be able to open up about my pregnancy and the amazingly incredible news: HOLY MOTHER-TO-BE, I AM HAVING A BABY! Exposing what my journey has been like the past three months brings me so much excitement, but also makes me feel very vulnerable (which I rarely feel). This is the most open, honest, and raw I have EVER been and it is exhilarating that I can FINALLY keep it real with you since the secret is out. What you saw everyday on my instagram the past three months was NOT my reality. Grab a cocktail, a mocktail, or start breastfeeding and let's start from the very beginning.
Aaron and I have always been ecstatic at the thought of having our own family one day. If I didn't love this man enough, picturing him as the father to our children just put me over the edge with warmth. After being on birth control for twenty years, I decided to go off my Ortho-TriCyclen-Lo last year and never looked back. I wanted to cleanse my body of the birth control, since we knew that shortly after the wedding we would start trying. Aaron and I both agreed that we would be careful in the months leading up to the wedding and "stop being so careful" on our honeymoon. A and I were married seven months ago, on June 2nd, 2018, and we headed to beautiful Bora Bora for our honeymoon in August. For the two months of August and September, A and I decided to just LIVE; no pressure, no stress, no anxiety and so we did...well kinda. I actually ended up peeing on ONE ovulation stick in September (without A's knowledge, because I was so curious, and I couldn't stick to our plan, and could you blame me!? I wanted to pee on my very first stick! Eeep!) to see what would happen. To my surprise, I saw a + plus that I was ovulating! I was so excited, ran to Aaron wailing a stick in his face to his confusion (haha), and told him it was time to get busy! At the end of September, I was fully convinced I was pregnant because I wasn't my usual happy self. I was a moody bitch, crying every second, had lower back pain (which I never had in my life), and my boobs were massive and in terrible pain. My period is ALWAYS on time, to the day and minute, and as my menstrual day crept up, I was hoping I would miss it. I sat to pee in the morning, went to wipe, and there staring back at me was blood on my toilet tissue. I wasn't pregnant. Aaron hugged me as I sat quietly on the toilet and that was the first time I felt the disappointment that is very real and scary to women. Although we barely even "tried" and this was the first time I even "felt" pregnant, the question still dawned over me that is every woman's fear: will I ever get pregnant?
Over the next few weeks, I got back to my normal self and felt great. I was slammed with work, running to back to back meetings and photoshoots, and didn't stress about being pregnant at all. I promised A I wouldn't pee on another stick again. He hated seeing me even with the slightest frown after using the stick, that he just wanted us to go with the flow, and I agreed. After learning from doctors and hearing from friends that "since I have a regular period, I should just count 10-17 days after my period and be intimate every other day", that is what we did. The end of October, I woke up with the most swollen boobs, that they could have been water balloons! I was in so much pain dragging my body to the bathroom that I could barely even walk. I also realized that I was peeing excessively the entire week before and this was bizarre for me. I am usually like a camel and never have to pee! What is going on? I didn't know excessive peeing was a symptom of pregnancy until google told me.
Do you babes remember when I went to Zelda Hair? Well, all I wanted was a turkey sandwich on the way there. I begged Lauren to find me a deli. I was acting like a total nutcase. I JUST NEEDED A SANDWICH! I never even eat sandwiches! It was bizarre behavior. As my regular period date was approaching, I was starting to flip out. I. AM. PREGNANT. I had cramps in the left side of my uterus, was feeling fatigued, my boobs were growing by the second, and I was a force to be reckoned with when food was in my presence. When I approached Aaron to let him know I was late, he would just giggle and blush, and told me to wait a few more days to take a test until I was really late. I ALSO didn't know that you could take a First Response pregnancy test and find out days earlier than your missed period. I woke up every morning to clean tissue paper. I am flipping pregnant.
On November 1st, I woke up to this text message from my best friend:
On November 2nd, I found out I was pregnant. A came home with flowers this day since it was our 5 month wedding anniversary. Because I was late and he was finally starting to accept the fact that my period was indeed very late, we planned to take a test after he got home. I accepted his beautiful flowers and immediately said I had to pee. I chugged a bottle of water, grabbed the test that I ran out to get earlier, peed on the stick, ran out to Aaron, waited a long five minutes as we stared in suspense nervous giggling to one another, and switched the camera on to film our first pregnancy test. "What if we're not", Aaron said. "But what if we are?", I replied. " We can never get this moment back." At the fifth minute, we flipped on "Record" and captured the most special moment of our lives. The video is EPIC and I would love to share it soon, if this is something you'd like to see. Over the weekend, the nausea really started kicking in and I was starting to become a shell of myself; the headaches, the fatigue, the overwhelming feeling of needing to throw up...it was just so unbearable.
On Monday November 5th, I ran to my gyno first thing in the morning for blood work. I was SO sick and nauseous that I was lying in the stirrups, gagging and deep breathing, trying to calm my nerves and body down. The next day, in the late afternoon, I got a call from my doctor confirming my pregnancy. Along with that news, came more very interesting news. "Lindsi, your HCG levels are at 20,000 when normal is 5,000. This explains your intense nausea!" "Well what could that mean? Am I okay?" "It could mean a few things. You could be having multiples: twins or triplets". My heart sank into my Louboutin's. "I'm sorry, what?" "You could be having multiples. I need you to come in." How am I going to tell Aaron? From the 5th-8th, A and I anxiously waited to hear the news if we had naturally conceived twins or triplets. It was the most nerve-wracking couple of days. Not only did we just confirm we were pregnant, which was incredible, we still had unanswered questions that we needed answered in order to start planning properly for what was to come.
On November 8th, A and I went into an appointment in the afternoon. My doctor confirmed I was pregnant with one single embryo, not multiples, and A's color finally came back to his face! So, to put my nausea in perspective for you, the way I have been feeling the past three months is hormonally equivalent to a woman carrying multiples, when I am only carrying a single. I have been a completely non-functioning human being and even fainted from the nausea one night in our bathroom. It was so horrible. In the days and weeks to come, Aar and I told our parents and siblings the incredible news. I also have telling my parents on film and it was BEYOND special! Maybe I will also share that one at some point, if you'd like. Mid November, we heard the baby's heartbeat. This was such a magical feeling that I will never forget. It really brought the dream to reality and everything started to "feel real" from that point on. I am going to be a mom.
As Thanksgiving was approaching, I was feeling more sick than ever. Remember when I hosted a Friendsgiving for my blogger friends!? Well, I could barely function that day. It was also the day that I FINALLY broke the news to Lauren that I was going to have a baby! I will definitely be posting the recorded video of me telling her! So, to also put this in perspective for you, my doctor thinks I conceived around mid October and it's now November 19th. Lauren didn't know for ONE WHOLE MONTH that I was pregnant, nauseous, headachy, fatigued, and feeling like I had to throw up every second. She had me booked on back to back meetings and we were shooting like CRAZY! We were approaching holiday, and this year, it was one of my busiest and most successful months I ever had. I had to push through HARD, do my hair/makeup everyday, and pretend I was okay. I literally woke up everyday and prayed to God to get me through the day. It was so intense.
In early December, the baby turned into a fetus! When I was at my gyno, the moment we put the baby up on the monitor, the baby even did a cartwheel. If this isn't my kid, I don't know who is! In the weeks to come, I did all my blood work for abnormalities and gender testing. I decided to do non-invasive testing. The blood test checks for levels of two substances, pregnancy-associated plasma protein-A (PAPP-A) and human chorionic gonadotropin. Mid-end of December, I went in for the second part of the test, my nuchal scan, a special ultrasound that measures the baby's nasal bone, as well as the fluid at the back of the baby's neck. A high volume of fluid can be a sign of chromosomal abnormalities. I found out on the spot that the results came back negative for ALL abnormalities. Waiting for test results like this is so extremely nerve-wracking, as the health of a child is everything!! We thank our lucky stars everyday that we have a healthy little baby on the way.
Another incredible part of this scan was what happened before. As I walked into the room, completely wrapped in a scarf and hiding under my beanie and shades, another sonographer, other than my own, popped in to grab hand lotion. Of course I started chatting with her for a minute to tell her how dry my hands were too! She looked at me funny and did a double-take as I took my sunnies off. "You really remind me of someone I know. This blogger that I love!" "Oh, really what is her name?" "Lindsi Lane, @lindsilanestyle, do you know of her?" I began to unravel my scarf and placed my beanie on the table. ""I sure do! I am her!" The sonographer yelped with excitement. "OMG, it's YOU! You're pregnant! If I really knew it was you, I would have never said a word!" I hugged her tight. "Ahhh, you're too sweet and YES, I HAVE BEEN PREGNANT SINCE OCTOBER!" "Wow, you have done a good job hiding it on stories and in photos. I really can't believe it's you." "Just keep it our little secret", I winked at her. The sonographer went on to tell me how much I have inspired her to also start her own blog on the side and that she respected me so much for bringing so much positivity and light to instagram everyday. Everything about this morning, the confirmed health of my baby and meeting such an amazing woman at my sonogram who is part of my insta-fam, was just the most heartwarming and joyous feeling.
Gearing up for Christmas break was so exciting. I was burnt out, nauseous, and ready to relax. We headed to Chicago to spend time with Aaron's family and then headed to Miami for some sunny R&R. On December 29th, I posted my pregnancy photo to instagram to share the incredible news with you! Never in my life have I been so excited to share something with so many people! Throughout this entire journey, even though I couldn't share the news from the start, please know how much I thought about sharing the baby with you and much excitement it brought me to think about the moment I was free of this beautiful secret. You truly got me through the sickness of my first trimester because I love being there for you everyday! Thank you for being so excited for Aaron and I and being THE ABSOLUTE BEST FAMILY A GIRL CAN EVER DREAM FOR!
So what's the next step for the little Watts babe? Well I guess there is only one question to ask. Do we have a little prince or princess on the way? You will find out early February...
Sending so much love your way!